Anderson Cooper’s show has a call out to people who’ve married themselves, which apparently happens these days. I’ve got a better one, Cooper. I married Jesus. Here’s how:
First, we wrote a letter to Jesus detailing our love, our pain and why we wanted Him. Then, we dimmed the lights, lit some candles and walked down the aisle of a church to sit in a pew. We prayed. We wept. We took our hand written letters and placed them in glass bottles and put a cork on top. Then, one by one, we walked down the church aisle again, holding our glass bottles. Our minister prayed over us, then put candle wax over the top of the bottle to “seal” our “covenant” with Jesus. We then went over to a pillow, got on our knees and the minister prayed with us again, asking us if we “committed” to the following “vows” to God. When we said yes, we were given a silver band to wear on our left ring finger. After that, we were “married” to Jesus for an entire year. We couldn’t date. We couldn’t have “emotional commitments”. We couldn’t ride alone in cars with boys.
We were “pure” and abstained from sex. We married Jesus.