How I know I’m the grumpiest person in the world

You know that Folgers commercial where the older brother comes home from Africa and his sister is waiting up for him with a cup of fresh coffee? When she puts the bow on him and says, “You’re my present this year” it makes me want to throw up.

So fucking cheesy.

I was watching that commercial the other day and just felt my blood pressure rise just getting pissed off.

I might have a little mood issue which I blame on my PCOS. Well, yeah, actually one of the symptoms is irritability. But, the other day I got cut off by a slow-ass Subaru and when I looked over, the lady was driving about 20 mph on the freeway SMILING ear to ear.

I hate Subaru’s and their drivers. And people who smile. Except Will Ferrell as Elf. (“I just like to smile. Smiling’s my favorite.”)

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I also hate those vegans who act morally superior. (Disclaimer: I have a few vegan friends who are cool ass people and I don’t resent that they’re trying to be healthy or love animals. Do what you want.) We all know the crowd. Or the gluten free, lactose free, I only eat air types. Pu-lease. Again, it’s not the diet that bothers me. Some people legitimately have issues with certain foods or some people feel it’s not right to eat animals (and you know, as an animal lover, I understand this). I guess it’s the self-righteous, know-it-all air some people have when they do this or any other diet. Oh and my favorite: You should eat this way, too, because all that other food is going to kill you. No, I shouldn’t. And you should shut the hell up.

My doctor actually gave me a diet to help with my PCOS. Guess what it was? Calorie restriction-only. Guess what kind of doctor he is? Fancy specialist with more degrees and qualifications than a lot of doctors. So, I was like, “Are you sure I don’t have to do low-carb? Everyone on the internet says I do.”

No

“What about vegan?”

No

“What about cutting out wheat? White flour? All veggies? Just salads and grilled chicken?”

His response? “You’ve heard of the guy who did the Twinkie diet, right? His cholesterol levels and blood work was so much improved after a year of eating just Twinkies and he lost weight. It was because he stuck with a specific caloric intake.” (Disclaimer: I can’t remember if that’s what he said word for word and if you Google it, maybe he died later, but you get the point.)

So eff everyone on the internet who are always telling people what to do or what playing Dr. Facebook.

Oh, speaking of which…I can’t tell you how many times I have wanted to punch the computer screen in the face because some mothers start talking about NOT vaccinating their kids. Good one, Jenny McCarthy and Company. Sure, I know it’s scary as hell to take care of a baby (I did that once) but it’s okay to ask your doctor instead of your girlfriends. And it’s okay not to make assumptions as if you DID go to medical school. Oh, you read the flu vaccine pamphlet and won’t get one? Great. Tell me where you got your doctorate, again?

It makes me stop my life and make it RIGHT. I can’t handle it when SOMEONE IS WRONG ON THE INTERNET.


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I know some of you think I’m actually the Grumpy Cat meme in disguise, but sadly, I’m not. I do love him though and he does actually make me smile.

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Lisa Kerr

Lisa is a writer, editor and humorist who has been featured on the Huffington Post, Philly.com, New York magazine, and BreakThru Radio. Find more of her at: thelisakerr.com.

One Comment

  1. Even though I drive a Subaru and slow out of habit from living in Alaska (ice, moose, you know, minor reasons;) this absolutely cracked me up! Thought the news story about the genius mother who didn’t vaccinate, took her kid to India and started a measles outbreak in like Wisconsin was funny too though……..people!

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