28 Things You Should Know Before Dating Me

I sometimes read the Thought Catalog. Their narratives are entertaining and the other day they had this list/post: 33 Things You Should Know Before Dating Me. While it may be a tiny bit late for me to write this (I recently went “Facebook Official” on my relationship), I love this list & had to borrow a few from them. Here’s my list:

1. I made it with a girl once. In a threesome.

2. No, I will not have a threesome with you. Ever.

3. I will offer to pay for my own part of the first date. Mostly because I want to be polite and also because I don’t care about who pays. And because I like nice things but I don’t expect you to always pay for them.

4. While I can be a total snob (I’m a book snob and I love art films. I even have a thing for really good music.) I love pop culture in a non-ironic way. If you do not, get over yourself, or we will never be compatible.

5. I live like a bachelor. I wouldn’t even mind if you’re great at cleaning, cooking and grocery shopping. I’m almost out of beer, by the way.

6. You will drive most of the time. I hate driving unless I’m completely alone and need to think.

7. I love sex. But there’s nothing better than cuddling.

8. I’ll write about you. Often. If we have amazing sex, you may become a featured character in my erotica. If you ever treat me like an asshole and we’re broken up, you will be completely humilated in something I write.

9. I can cook actually cook, clean and make tea like a Southern Belle. If you expect this, I’ll dump a hot plate of food on your crotch.

10. I am not a lady. Don’t ask me to be one. Don’t ask me to change.

11. I cry. A lot. Over movies, commercials, puppies. Over missing you.

12. Are you a cat hater? We can’t even be friends.

13. I judge the shit out of everyone. Always have. It’d be nice if you could join me.

14. Sitting on the beach is preferable to long walks. I tire easily and sand is annoying.

15. I drink to write sometimes which leads to less good writing than expected.

16. There are stretches of time where brushing my teeth is not a priority. Related, I am cool without a shower for at least 1.5 days.

17. If we become Facebook Official, you will have hundreds of eyes spying on you after the announcement is made. They’ll silently judge you/be jealous of you/wonder what I see in you because they think I’m a mini-goddess. I am not. I’m actually lucky to have you.

18. I have been known to get very jealous. I prefer to call it passion.

19. If we’ve drank too much, I will want to have very drunk, all-night sex with you. Try to keep up.

20. I am shit at lying. I can’t do it well, so expect complete honesty and full-disclosure. Painfully so.

21. I enjoy pornography about as much as most men. Maybe a bit more.

22. I will set up incredibly romantic dates and weekends, but if you could figure out how to follow my lead and set up dinner reservations and candle lit sex afterward on occassion, you’d be my hero.

23. Flowers and diamonds are incredibly thoughtful, but I am very picky. Let me pick out the big stuff, or at least ask what I like. Or go see Brenda.

24. There will be times I choose to be alone or isolate myself. I need time to think/write/create. I’m also irritable. I’ve never lived with a significant other and I expect it to be a complete disaster.

25. I suffer from depression. You may never understand this side of me, but just don’t be an asshole. I’m on top of my shit.

26. I’ve always wanted to be swept off my feet. If you can somehow manage to do this, you’ll have my heart.

27. I don’t trust easily, even though I pretend to.

28. Smart is sexy. If you can carry a conversation with me for hours on end, you’ll win me over.

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Lisa Kerr

Lisa is a writer, editor and humorist who has been featured on the Huffington Post, Philly.com, New York magazine, and BreakThru Radio. Find more of her at: thelisakerr.com.